The Road To Recovery

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Depression is more than just a feeling of sadness. It's a debilitating disorder that affects the way you think and how you function in this world.

A quick Google search will tell you what are the common symptoms of depression, but it’s still best to seek psychiatric help for a formal diagnosis.

If you think you are experiencing depression or any mental health disorder, please seek help or talk to someone you trust.

I also recommend watching Anna Akana’s videos on YouTube, she tackles a lot of mental health topics that are relatable and funny.

Five months ago, I felt like I have lost everything. I had no job, no money, no direction in life, and not even a love life to call my own. I felt like I wanted to disappear and make the pain go away, but I know feeling this way meant I’ve hit rock bottom again (the first time I felt this was in 2016). With no one else to turn to, I decided it’s finally time to seek out for help. I went to therapy.

It’s odd but after my first session with my therapist, I felt that—for the first time in my life— there is hope. A silver lining if you must call it. It’s hard to dissect every nitty gritty detail of what is wrong with my life, but the idea of acknowledging that there is light at the end of the tunnel feels like a huge burden was removed off my shoulders.

I also want to point out that a lot of people on the Internet have said nasty things about me, to the point that they have psychologically analyzed my "behavior" but my therapist never mentioned any of these. Mind you, I even went to three therapists for a second and third opinion. All three of them gave the same diagnosis: depression and anxiety.

I knew that I was on the brink of depression since 2016 because I was gradually losing interest in the things I love. However, I was traveling around Europe during that time and felt I didn’t have the right to be depressed because I was living a great life. I seemed like I had everything I needed in life. So why should I be depressed, right? But I knew something was wrong when I stopped updating my blog and social media accounts because this was my passion; my bread and butter. I knew that by not creating content, my finances will suffer but I didn’t care. The inspiration and motivation to create content wasn’t there either. I was being apathetic.

I tried to fight depression on my own, and this went on for two more years, until other aspects of my life like my romantic relationship has also hit rock bottom. In mid-2017, I ended my seven-year relationship with JP and this was followed by a complicated romance with someone that ended quite terribly. At this point, I didn’t have anything… or anyone.

I told my therapist all of this and she said that the root cause of my depression is that I’m constantly faced with a difficult situation that involves a lot of emotional and mental stress, and to be in that kind of situation without a support system, is definitely a sure way to be depressed.

My therapist prescribed me a medication to lessen my emotional reactivity to help me focus. I only took this medication for a month but slowly and surely, things started to change. I was starting to feel okay again and doing the things I used to enjoy. I found myself picking up the hobbies I used to enjoy. I was also spending lots of time binge-watching great anime shows and spending more time outside of my flat.

Then I met Drae…

The real game changer to my recovery was meeting Drae. It was all unexpected, but he became the support system that I needed. Don't get me wrong, this isn't some damsel in distress scenario. I didn't need someone to save me because I was getting better on my own. But having him around feels like my road to recovery became sooner than anticipated.

He made me feel that I am loved, despite my flaws and imperfections, and that I'm more than enough. I don’t believe that you should rely on other people to make you happy. But knowing that there are people like him who will support you unconditionally? That brings happiness, that’s more than enough to me. Drae makes me feel safe and secure in this fickle minded world.

It’s only been five months since but I felt like my life was coming into place. I finally have a job that I enjoy (with good pay, too!). I’m rebuilding my finances. I’m making a bunch of goals, and someone to share these goals with who is always putting a smile on my face.

Life is not perfect. I still have my off days. I’m still facing problems every single day, but at least, I’m moving forward with a happier heart and renewed courage.